Two Guys

Dan: Hey.

Mike: How’s it going?

Dan: Good, good. You?

Mike: Not too bad.

Dan: Smells good in here.

Mike: Yeah, it’s awesome. You ever eaten here before?

Dan: No, is it good?

Mike: So good.

::pause::

Dan: So when’d you get the chance to eat here before? I thought this place was pretty new.

Mike: Yeah, Jan and I swung by a week or so ago, thought we’d check it out.

Dan: Oh, cool. How is Jan?

Mike: I don’t know. I haven’t seen her in a while.

Dan: I thought you just saw her last week.

Mike: Well, yeah. But not since then.

::pause::

Dan: So how was she then?

Mike: She was alright, I guess. We didn’t talk a whole lot. I’m starving.

Dan: Me too.

Mike: Oh, don’t order the fish. I got that last time and it was really poor.

Dan: I thought you said this place was great.

Mike: Well, Jan had to use the bathroom so when she was gone I stole a couple bites off her plate. It was amazing. Probably the best thing I’ve ever had. I’m getting that, I think.

Dan: What is it?

Mike: It was saucy.

::pause::

Dan: Saucy?

Mike: Yeah, it had past and some sort of sauce. It was really good.

Dan: Sounds good.

Mike: Had some meat in it, too. Chicken, probably.

Dan: I like chicken; maybe I’ll get that too.

Mike: It’s really good.

::pause::

Dan: So what’s the story, Mike?

Mike: What?

Dan: What’s all this about?

Mike: What do you mean?

Dan: This. Lunch.

Mike: I don’t know, man. We haven’t seen each other for a while.

Dan: So?

Mike: I missed you.

Dan: Bull shit.

Mike: I just wanted to hang out, man. We haven’t hung out in ages.

Dan: You fucked my wife, Mike.

::pause::

Mike: Technically she’s your ex-wife.

::pause::

Dan: Do you need money or something? ‘Cause if you do, I don’t have any. So this is worthless.

Mike: Nah, I’m fine for money. This is my treat. You can even get the fish if you wanted.

Dan: You said the fish was bad.

Mike: But it’s expensive.

::pause::

Dan: Don’t worry about me. I’m not really hungry. I think I’m gonna head home.

Mike: No! Please. Dan. Don’t.

Dan: What?

Mike: You’re the only one I can talk to.

Dan: I don’t want to talk to you, Mike.

Mike: Please.

Dan: What?

Mike: I… I think there are ninjas in my apartment.

Dan: What?

Mike: Karate guys. Asian fighting machines. Only… they’re not Asians.

Dan: What do you mean? Like… they’re Mexican?

Mike: No, don’t be stupid. I mean like robots.

Dan: There are robot ninjas in your apartment?

Mike: I don’t know how to get them out.

Dan: Just… ask nicely. I’m outta here.

Mike: You don’t believe me?

Dan: What the fuck, Mike. You’re wasting my time.

Mike: I thought it was funny.

Dan: Robot ninjas? Mike, we’re 35 years old. I can’t even guarantee I would have laughed at that back in high school. And back then we were still friends.

Mike: We’re still friends now, man.

Dan: You fucked. My wife.

Mike: Technically she’s your ex-wife.

Dan: Because you fucked her! Pre-fuck she was still my wife!

Mike: Okay, now. Don’t point the finger of blame at me, buddy. You didn’t get divorced because I fucked her. You got divorced because she fucked me. Because she went and fucked someone else. It’s not like there’s someone out there she could have gone and fucked who would have been okay by you.

::pause::

Mike: Except maybe Brad Pitt.

Dan: Brad is an attractive man.

Mike: I know, right?

Dan: I’d fuck him.

Mike: Hell, I’d let him fuck me even.

::pause::

Dan: This is weird.

Mike: Sure is.

::pause::

Mike: So you want to eat or no? I’m buying.

Dan: Yeah, sure. I think I’ll try the fish.

Mike: Really? It’s really not that good, man.

Dan: Yeah, but it’s expensive.

::pause::

Mike: I’m sorry your wife fucked me, man.

Dan: Me too.

::pause::

Mike: She was hot, though.

Dan: Sure was.

::pause::

Mike: So does this count as a reconciliation?

Dan: I guess.

Mike: Okay. Really, dude. Don’t get the fish.

Dan: Yeah. I’m not that big into fish.

Mike: We should get drunk after this.

Dan: Maybe.

Mike: I’ll let you draw pubes on my face if I pass out.

Dan: Can I shave your eyebrows too?

Mike: Hell yeah!

Dan: Deal.

End