Midnight Run

Exercise has become easier as well as more frequent. One thanks due probably to the other.

It's colder tonight. I'm wearing my green senior shirt, one of the few tangible relics from last year's legacy. OH SIX, it screams. It's really freaking dumb.

My mind wanders off to a place I need not worry about it. Thoughts grow so repetitive and tiresome, to do without them is a relief. The moon is really bright. It has been for the past few nights.

Dogs bark at me. I ignore them.

Before I know it I've run farther than I ever have without stopping. And I mean run. And I mean far. None of this hobble-jogging around the block bullshit. As a fat guy, I'm finally beginning to get my act together.

(3 lbs fell off of me these last few days. I finally weigh less than I did before college. Feel free to give me a high five next time you see me.)

As I make my way around the block towards home stretch I pass a house with a light on at the ground level. A girl who went to my highschool lives there. Music that sounds either straight out of an early 1980's video game or a 'new-age indie alternative electronic post modern-funk' band's demo pokes its way through her window tickeling my ears until they bleed.

Without understanding why (my mind was still elsewhere) I slow down and walk up to peek through the blinds. The girl I know is on her bed. Some guy I don't is fucking her from behind.

He looks up at me and I wave.

The rest of the way home is a breeze, but my side is killing me as I hit the driveway.

04/14/06

[A journal entry I've stumbled upon while sifting through old musings and material. Couldn't sum up my current situation any better. I feel as though I should be more frightened by the fact I seem to be in exactly the same place, but instead... I'm simply a lonely, lonely boy.]

Words are gone. I should be writing something, I should be writing a number of things, but I can't.

It’s really hot. And I’m fighting with music. Nothing is more distracting than silence, and nothing is more complicated than finding just the right music to effectively lull me into a state of comfortable productivity.

I am frustrated by my inability to remember. Feelings, images, and other confused thoughts bounce against each other in my head as I try to recall specific events and dialogues that elude me. And those memories that I’ll never forget, the few that I can hold on to and examine anytime I want, I cannot put into words. The last five years of my life are represented by inexpressible, disjointed ideas, moments that slip through my fingers when I try to reflect on them. My entire memory is like a bajillion piece puzzle missing the box and subsequent picture. All the pieces are scattered in front of me with nothing to serve as a basis for their reconstruction.

Where are you, words? Fuck. Nothing is happening. Nothing has happened. Am I waiting to be inspired or am I just waiting for someone else to decide what to do with me?

It seems as though I am still under the delusion that this struggle can eventually produce something meaningful.

Time for a nap.

Good night.

[Good night.]

Classic

So this horse walks into a bar.

And the bartender says, Why the long face!?!?

And the horse says, I just found out I have AIDS...

Map, Anyone?

Sometimes I think I just don't know how lost I really am.

Hey You

Boy oh boy, thoughts are just racing. The time and opportunity to sit and talk to anyone seems pretty nonexistent recently.

We should sit down and just talk sometime.

If I ask to, don't you dare say no.

I mean, hey, if you want brownie points, ask me. I'd be the happiest boy in the whole wide world. I'll even buy you a cup o' coffee. If you don't like coffee, how 'bout a milkshake? Something?

Anyone?

In related news, I love music. Anyone else love music?

We should sit down and listen to music sometime.

Simple Pleasures

If there is one thing I miss the most about home when I am in school, it's the freedom that comes with driving fast - all alone - windows rolled down - singing loudly to a song you only know half the words to - at night - while it lightly rains - and you have no idea where you are.

The only thing better? Being with anyone who will sing along.

Something Less Than Shadows

A series of events over the past couple of months have led me to realize... I've completely forgotten huge bulks of my existence, immense pieces of my life are lost. And I don't mean they have become hazy, I mean enormous chunks of my memory are missing. Literally gone. For example... the entire second semester of my junior year of high school. I do not remember it. Events have been brought up I do not remember, letters recounting times, moments I have shared with people, that are no longer in my memory.

And with the memories, I have lost all recollection of who I was. I have forgotten all the people I used to be. And as I fall away from myself, I become disjointed. All of the memories I still may have become disconnected, meaningless, no longer a part of me or a reflection of who I once was. Something less than shadows.

I feel empty.

And fewer memories are being made. Honest connections with the people around me, shared emotion and worthwhile moments are less frequent.

Am I going crazy? What's happening?

Channel Surfing

Jennifer Aniston is really rather charming, isn't she?