Epilogue

The train ride to O'Hare is quiet for a long while.

What are you thinking? she asks.

Nothing.

The real kind or the fake kind?

(The fake kind)

I look at her and shake my head with a small smile. Just nothing.

So... what are you really thinking about?

Just stop.

Why?

I shrug my shoulders and look out the window. Because I'm really bad at lying to you, and you're really good at making sure I say things to you that I know I shouldn't say.

She turns towards me as much as she can in the small train seat. So what are you thinking about?

I stare at her for a second.

I was just thinking about what you said on the sea-wall. And how... I've never really read body language well, you know? 'Cause I'm always just so scared of misinterpreting it. Which is why I never act on anything without... I dunno, someone saying something I guess.

She's quiet.

You said that... you wanted to tell me because you didn't want things to get awkward or... or anything. And just... I dunno. I was thinking about how... they really wouldn't have. I wasn't... I had no intention of making a move or anything. And the fact that you felt... I dunno. It's just been bugging me.

I look over at her and her eyes are closed.

Are you glad that I came? she asks.

Yes.

Do... do you think it was... I dunno. Fair?

No. Not at all fair, really.

She looks away for a moment. But... you are glad I came, right?

Yes.

Another hour of silence and we arrive at the airport.

I follow along while she gets her ticket and checks her bag. We arrive at the gate and she turns to me before going through security.

Okay. Well, thanks for making the trip out here with me, she says.

I smile. Thanks for making the trip out here to see me, I say.

She steps forward and hugs me.

I should hug her back. I should get on my knees and hug her back hard. I should look up at her and just say every little thing that I've wanted to say to her all weekend. I should bury my face into her shirt and just ask her to stay. If she stays she doesn't have to go back to wherever it is she came from and then we both won't have to be so different anymore. But I just feel so helpless. So fucking helpless. This is the one time in my life where I feel as though I truly cannot do a single thing to change what is happening. I can't even think about it differently, I can't find someway to justify this entire situation mentally nevermind actually alter these goings on. And everything goes by so fast.

I can't bring myself to hug her back. I just place my hands on her shoulders and say good-bye.

Good-bye.

Before I go, I force myself to look her in the eye and say, with some form of confused sincerity, that I am glad she came. Then I turn and leave.

On the train headed back to my room I get a voicemail from her.

I have a lot of time to kill before my plane takes off, so I figured we could talk or something. But I guess you're probably in a tunnel somewhere. Thanks again for this weekend, for your hospitality. Thank you for saying you're glad I came. I'm glad, too. And I just... I just wanted you to know that I do love you a lot. And...

There is a pause.

I dunno. I was glad to see you.

She hangs up.

I want to be angry. I want to know what that means.

I want to know, really, if it means... anything at all.

But because I can't prove that it doesn't mean anything, for now, to me, it means something.

And for now, to me, that's got to be enough.